ocd
i’ve been long suffering from my obsessive and compulsive tendencies of starting over literally anything that i could do, most of the times at the expense of abandoning everything that’s still good enough or functional as well as the monetary losses that entail them.
if you notice, currently it’s my newest episode — and it’s the most severe one to date.
i’ve been doing some reflections and trying to look inwards for some of the reasons or explanations regarding my ocd, and it’s either my perfectionism at work the moment i recognised a small flaw emerging, or that i long for the feeling of strong commitment and excitement that comes with “newness”.
at times, it’s an inconvenience at best and crippling at worst. i couldn’t stop myself from completely overhauling every aspect of my life once i began, and i wouldn’t stop until i exhausted myself.
the most common victim has been my online identities and account; i’ve been leaving countless trails of my digital footprints behind me all because i couldn’t stand looking at what i’ve sowed along the way, making me feel even more inclined to start anew which means me leaving behind a piece of myself even further.
rinse and repeat.
a never-ending cycle.
i wonder what it’d take for me to break free from this samsara.
